mending my soul

             I recently became aware of a truth extremely unsettling. It crept up on me slowly, marked by very own actions. My attitude. My fears were swallowing me up, and I'd become worried about Earthly things, forgetting who was on my side.

            God waited for me, while I took unnecessary time to realize what I'd always known and preached, but what I never believed about myself. I elevated my dreams, my concerns, my insecurities, above God's grace and plan.

            It all happened on a week night. Where, with the strength of Jesus, I decided to mend my soul. I broke down, I prayed for forgiveness, for strength, to sum it up. I opened my bible and found this passage waiting for me...

 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, 
where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, 
not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 
 When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, 
impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath 
of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But 
now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, 
slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have 
taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being
renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator...  Therefore, as God’s chosen people, 
holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness
 and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance 
against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, 
which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, 
since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message 
of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom 

through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in 
your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name 
of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

            For the longest time, I had this perfect idea of who I wanted to be and how I wanted my life to be. But as life didn't go according to that plan, I began to lose a grip on myself. That's where the anxiety and depression stepped in, that's where the fear crept in and swallowed me whole. But lately, as I've been diving deeper in the word of God, and placing faith over fear, I've come to a perfect realization.

            I am grateful I am not the woman I thought I wanted to be. Sure, I'm not successful or "happy" in the ways that I thought I'd be. But God gave me this precious gift of life, and he had a plan for it. So, before I take my next step, I've been praying hard about it. Because, I have this overwhelming feeling that next year is going to take me to wild places, and a year from now, I'll be a completely different person. But that's dependent on me and my actions, and if I'm going to follow where Christ leads me or not.
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