fearfully and wonderfully made

            I really have to constantly remind myself that God loves all the parts of me that I'm not particularly kind to. I'm constantly in doubt of myself, about everything. I let fear and anxiety work it's way in. I allow myself to think that I'm not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or brave enough. And I allow those thoughts to consume me, until I start to believe them.

             And I can try and distract myself, by throwing myself into worldly things. I'll throw myself into a good book. I'll get in my car and drive, blasting the music on high. I'll busy myself with work. I'll go exploring. But all of these things, are only temporary fixes, they'll hide away the symptoms of shame and fear, but they will not heal me from these demons.

            The only one thing that can truly heal me from this is by following Christ.

            He created me. This God who created all the beautiful and complex things in this world, who created sunflowers, and created galaxies, created me with every perfect intention. How can I fight that? It's an ongoing battle I face - constantly torn between God's love and grace and my lack of courage and self-love.

“I would rather be what God chose to make me 
than the most glorious creature that I could think of; 
for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, 
and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most 
precious thing in all thinking.”

             These words I keep near and dear to my heart. I right them on scraps sheets of paper, I stick them in my car, my journal, my bag, the book I'm reading, as a constant reminder. God made me, of course, and how can I possibly take that for granted?

            I love reading the book of Psalms, because in it - at least for me - you can see so clearly that God is speaking directly to us. In it rests the absolution in God's grace following our doubt,  our anger, our selfishness, and our sins as Christians. All that he calls us to be, we fail daily, and yet he loves us still.

            Psalm 139 is one of my favorite pieces from the bible. When you read it, you are reminded of God's infinite knowledge of you and his absolute love.

Lord, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest; you are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue, you know all about it, Lord...
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise you because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written and planned
before a single one of them began.
For me to comprehend how vast their sum is!
If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
And when I wake up, I am still with you.

#shereadstruth: Joseph sold into slavery
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