oh, but darling, what if you fly?


"What if I fall?"
"Oh, but darling, what if you fly?"
I am in some serious need of soul searching. I believe with all my heart that God has a plan. I trust in this plan, and yet I always feel overwhelmingly lost even when my heart yearns for certain things that have become so evident to me.
I think the problem is I want too much out of life. I have so many dreams, I'm literally bursting with ambition. I have lists and lists of things I want to do, but each one of them has gotten lost in the someday. I want so much out of life that I'm afraid that if I go after one dream of mine, I'll be missing out on another path I was meant to be on. I want so much out of life, I'm scared once I start chasing these dreams they'll lead to failure. The funny thing about it is (and it's not actually all that funny), I know undoubtedly that the path I'm currently on is not the one where God wants me to be. I feel my heart and mind pulling at me all the time. This is the end of this chapter, and I'm being called somewhere new. I'm only kind of lost on the "where" and "what" next.
I am absolutely terrified of failure. My fear keeps me in this tiny comfort zone that I will never ever grow in. Yesterday I was speaking to someone and he looked right at me and pulled the very words out of my brain. "You're scared of failure," he said. "And that's alright, we all are. But don't let it keep you from growing."
I've been telling myself this one way or another and yet somehow it wasn't ever sinking in. I preach and preach all these words that I hardly think could possible apply to myself. I allow myself to think that I'm not good enough or worthy enough for my ideals of success or happiness (which is stupid, I know). Ever since that conversation yesterday, I've allowed myself to truly think about the life I want for myself and how it aligns with the life God has planned for me, and I couldn't help but notice the dreams my heart jumped to...
In less than a month, I graduate from college. I'm going to have a degree in psychology which better went towards a future that I thought I wanted. It was a tiny dream of mine, but I honestly think I did it more to please others than I did for the happiness of myself. I'm not going to allow myself to regret it, but I'm not going to allow myself to continue down this path either. I cannot tell you just how much I have grown in the last three years. I moved to a city where I knew absolutely no one and it was the scariest but best decision I ever made. I've met people that I know will be in my life forever.  My outlook on life has completely changed. For these things, I don't regret the past few years for a second. But this is no longer a part of God's plan for me and I feel that with every fiber of my being.
What I do know is, is that I want to travel. I never want to stop exploring. I want to always have my camera and notebook in hand. I want to be a photographer and a writer.  I want to help people - around the world and in my community, young and old. I want to spread wellness and positivity. I want to lead people to Christ. I want to work in ministry. I want to volunteer. I want to learn another language, collect art, and manage my own business. I want to lead a life that inspires others, and I want to be the change I wish to see in the world.

I know all these things undoubtedly. They've been in my heart since I was a child. They are my very roots to this Earth. But I'm absolutely terrified. It doesn't consist of a perfect story line, nor is it one of those beloved lists of mine that I can follow to a tee. And that scares me. I know that growth will only come in persisting in the things that scare me, and I want to give myself over to these fears and trust in God. Eleanor Roosevelt who is full of all sorts of wonderful quotes  once said "Do one thing everyday that scares you." One thing everyday to bring you closer to your dreams. I'm changing my path. Each day, whether it's one step or twenty I will be sure to follow my heart. This is my promise to myself. This is my promise to my savior. He did not die on the cross so I could live a life less than the one I was capable of living.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
Ghandi
-s.l.
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