letting go

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder,
spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
- E.E. Cummings
          I am a people pleaser.
          It has taken me a long time to realize that. And I think even more so I am terrified of being a disappointment and of letting people down. As much as I am a free spirit, this mustered up has led me to be some one who loves to be in control meanwhile being comforted by a box I've confined myself in. And this is not what my wanderlust soul craves.
          This fear of letting people down, of failure, and constant worry over other people's opinions or expectations has led me down a dreadful path of anxiety. And anxiety has been my worst battle yet.
          As a child I  never worried. The world I lived in was limitless, it was magic, and I knew the line between good and evil. I saw possibility everywhere and I was a creative, brave little explorer. I never cared what the world thought of me, in fact it was something that never really occurred to me. And some decade later, it would become something that would consume me.
          I've always preached things I've never quite practiced. I love words and quotes. I think words strung together the right way have the power to motivate, inspire, and change the world. And I always thought the motivation of those words would not only steer me in the right direction but propel me. But they haven't.
          Because who am I kidding? My love language is creativity and storytelling. It's how I connect with the world. It's what I'm passionate about. It's why I'm driven to carry a notebook and camera wherever I go. It's why I love to read and write, and why I photograph and document the world around me through a lens. So why would it not be crucial in the pursuit of my dreams? This is the core of my motivation for writing this today. It starts with letting go, of allowing myself to be vulnerable and realize that failure is inevitable and it's a part of the journey, and it starts with me taking time to do what makes my soul happy. And that is how I will grow.
This weekend, I jumped in a car and drove hundreds of miles away from my daily routine. It gave me a breath of fresh air, it allowed me to step back and think about where I am now and what I aspire to be. And today it brought me here.
"And suddenly you know... It's time to start
something new and trust in the magic of beginnings."
- s.l.
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